Wednesday, February 28, 2007

 

Chapter 23 Assertiveness Training Part 2

When we see a person at work or on the street do we know if they act that way at home? Do we always know how our kids act away from home? Do we act differently at home and when we are away from home?

Each individual is very complex with many hobbies, interests and life experiences. Even if we know someone very well we can still be surprised at the things they do.

We use the limited knowledge that we have about people and form images or stereotypes. We use these images to help us understand and deal with every person in our lives. Because of these images or stereotypes we are sometimes surprised when people don't respond the way we are expecting them to. We may even need to re-evaluate others and treat them differently as we learn more about them.

One of the most powerful ways to achieve our goals and to experience the things we want in life is to act, dress and live in a manner that will create the image or stereotype appropriate for achieving our goals. Through repeated exposure to the image we are projecting others will stereotype us in a manner that is consistent with our goals and treat us the way we want to be treated.

When people don't recognize the image we project the will create one of their own and we probably won't like it. Who wants to be labeled as a loser or a freak? We have to give people clues about how we want to be treated.

First we create a general image or stereotype that is recognizable to others. Then we can create a sub-category that is unique and individual that reveals more of our true inner self. We must be true to the stereotype that we project and at the same time be true to ourselves. Remember an image or stereotype tends toward self-fulfillment because everyone else constantly reinforces it. It is up to us to choose what we want to be in life.

Body Language

Body language communicates far more than we ever do with words. Some estimate that as much as 90% of all communication is non-verbal. Anyone interested in true self empowerment should have a basic understanding of their own body language and the body language of others.

Here are some simple things to notice when you are around other people.
Are the legs crossed? (Is there tension?)
Preening-patting hair, smoothing shirt or dress, straightening tie.
Constant movement-can't sit still, ill at ease, is not giving you their full attention.
Hand movements-what are the hands doing, clenched or open, in pockets or hidden.
Nervous movements-tapping pencil, moving leg.
Movement toward or away from you.
Arms crossed on chest.
Ankles locked.
Relaxed or tense.

These simple things will tell you alot about a person and what is going on with them. We learn by doing. Practice some of these things with a partner to see how they feel. Take turns doing each position and become aware of how they make you feel. What things are uncomfortable? Are they things you can't do?

Eye Contact/No eye contact

One person tries to maintain eye contact and the other person tries to avoid eye contact while having a conversation.

Hand Shake

Firm hand shake
Finger hand shake
Two handed hand shake
Limp hand shake

Slumped shoulders/Erect posture

One person tries to maintain a slumped posture while talking and the other an erect posture.

Proximity Boundary/Too Close

One person moves in too close to the other person deliberately while talking. Some people find this very disturbing.

Proximity Boundary/Too far away

One person moves too far away from the other person deliberately while they are talking. See if the other person moves closer.

Standing/Sitting at desk

One person is standing and the other is sitting behind a desk.

Standing/Sitting

One person is standing and the other remains sitting in a chair.

Turned Away

One person remains turned 45 degrees away from the other person while talking.

The object of these exercises is self discovery. Learn how they make you feel and learn how they make others feel. Practice them and use them consciously and deliberately to be more effective in your communications with others.




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Who knows why one person gives up and dies while another struggles on through overwhelming odds and comes out on top? We all want to survive. But are we willing to do what needs to be done?



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Thursday, February 22, 2007

 

Chapter 23 Assertiveness Training Part 1

Being assertive is reclaiming our own personal power to live as we choose to live. From our mistakes and successes we gradually gain faith in our ability to meet obstacles and situations creatively. With time and experience we become skilled and resourceful in awkward situations.

Everyone experiences lead feet, lump in the throat, and being paralyzed with fear. By being assertive we move past these things with will and determination. At first we are victims, then we learn. When confronted with anger, fear, pain, and anguish or when we feel these emotions we need determination and resolve to continue doing those things we want to do. This means physically going through the unpleasantness, confronting it and reaching the joy and success on the other side.

Being assertive is to take risks, do new things, and be successful at them. Hard work will earn rewards and in time the struggle and competition can become enjoyable. After many attempts we learn and become more skilled. There is no way to avoid those first baby steps and the discomfort of being vulnerable.

Being assertive takes energy. Energy is created by physically doing things. The most powerful form of learning is learning by doing. This chapter shows how to learn by doing. If possible find a partner to practice these techniques with. Practice them until you can to each of them at will. Have some fun with it.

Part one is about communication skills.

The Communication Cycle

There is a normal cycle that should be followed in communications:

First the speaker brings up a subject.

The listener acknowledges by nodding, saying yes or in some manner indicating they are listening.

The speaker pauses or stops.

The listener gives feedback or acknowledges. Perhaps by rephrasing in their own words. "Is this what you mean?" "I agree." or "I disagree."

The speaker acknowledges, listens and gives feedback on the listeners feedback. "Yes, that is what I was trying to say." "No, I was really trying to say this."

When the subject is closed it becomes the listeners turn to begin a new subject as speaker and the cycle is continued.

Verb Matching

We each process information differently. Some people use visual verbs, some use auditory verbs and some use kinesthetic verbs or feeling verbs. When we use the same type of verbs we feel like we are in tune with each other. Find out what kind of verbs you like to use and learn to use other types as well. Listen to others and learn to match the verbs they are using. It will make the communication better.

Visual: "I see what you mean."
"It is not very clear to me yet."

Auditory: "That rings a bell."
"I hear what you are saying."

Kinesthetic: "That doesn't feel right to me."
"Get a grip on things."

Obviously phrases like: "I see what you are saying." are not good practice even though we hear them all the time. We can't see what someone is saying. We hear what they are saying.

Beginning Conversations/Ending Conversations

As strange as it may sound many of us don't know how to begin or end conversations. We miss out on making good friends simply by not being able to introduce ourselves. At other times we become trapped in conversations that we don't want. Practice beginning conversations and ending conversations with a partner until it becomes natural and smooth. Better yet practice all of these skills and keep them handy just in case you need them.

"Hello, my name is..."
"Hello, may I help you?"

"I would really like to hear more later when I have time."
"Can we talk again sometime?"

Forcing Conversations/Avoiding Conversations


With a partner take turns playing each role and have some fun with it. One of you try to force the conversation and the other try to avoid it. See who wins and why.

"Excuse me. I need to talk to you for a minute."
"Hey you in the red shirt."

"I don't have time right now."
"I'm busy right now, perhaps we can talk later."

Changing the subject/Returning to the subject.

This is perhaps the most powerful technique available. Learn how to change the subject to one that you want. When someone avoids talking about your subject keep returning to it. Most people talk in a random manner with one unrelated thought leading into another. Random association is the rule. By deliberately choosing the subject you control the conversation.

"Don't you have a car like that one?"
"But what about ..."

"I don't see what this has to do with ..."
"Weren't we talking about ..."

Interupting the conversation/not being interupted.

Practice these with someone until you get good at them and see how fun communication can be.

"Excuse me, I have a 2:00 appointment."
"I've got to go to the bathroom."

"Let me finish what I'm trying to say first."
"This will only take a minute."


Expressing Joy/Dealing with joy

"I'm so happy I could scream!"
"We could have so much fun!"

"Let's do it!"
"You look really great today."

Expressing Sadness/dealing with sadness

"My car just broke down and I don't know how to get home."
"I just can't seem to stop crying."

"Here's a kleenex."
"Do you have anyone to talk to?"

Expressing Anger/Dealing with Anger

"I'm warning you."
"I've about had it with the people around here."

"What are you so mad about?"
"Did I do something to offend you?"


I've given some sample ideas to get your thoughts moving. Practice some of these with a partner and get good enough at them to use them in conversations at will. Each one will be a valuable tool that you can take with you. It will be there when you need it.








Anarchist World Live Join the Revolution today! Online rss community of free men and free women. Let Freedom Ring!

Who knows why one person gives up and dies while another struggles on through overwhelming odds and comes out on top? We all want to survive. But are we willing to do what needs to be done?



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Thursday, February 15, 2007

 

Chapter 22-The Balance of Life

There should be a balance to our lives. Everything is where it should be within our environment. The door we must open lies within our reach if we can only discover where it is. Where ever it is we want to go, our starting point is in the same room we are in right now.

There is an action we can take that will alter our life. That action is a new action we have not taken before and we probably don't know what that action is. That action might be a small simple action but it will have tremendous consequences on the rest of our life. Most of the time it comes out of our blind spot and we only stumble upon it by accident.

Many actions are like walking on a treadmill. We put out effort and energy but don't get any place. When we do the wrong actions we don't get anywhere. When we do the right actions our lives are changed forever. Correct actions are accumulative and empower us over time. Good friends can see the things we can't. They will help us if we let them.

One secret is closure. When we start something we must finish it or the energy we have already spent remains unfocused and acts as a drain on our energy reserves. Instead of walking on an endless treadmill we can break our actions down into specific physical tasks that can be completed with closure. Completing something gives us energy to start new projects. Completing brings energy back into our lives. If we don't finish we never get the energy back.

During each day set aside a portion of time to work for specific future goals. In performing these tasks our efforts take on added power and momentum. At first perhaps very little can be done, in time more and more can be accomplished. Effort toward goals is cummulative and will grow in time.

We progress in life through modest accumulated effort and not through heroic one time efforts. This has been one of the most difficult lessons I have had to learn. I have always wanted to do the heroic and not deal with the day to day realities. This reluctance to deal with the day to day realities of life has held me back for years. I am only now starting to come to terms with this issue.

All out heroic efforts have not gotten me anyplace except out of the frying pan and into the fire. Modest accumulations over long periods of time have brought the most important and lasting changes into my life.

As an example I got married and joined the military in a heroic effort at raising a family. It didn't work. I got the marriage and the family but I also got the divorce and the separation from my children. Heroic efforts seem in my life to be like a two edged sword take gives and takes. Slow and steady bring true results. Like a fine wine, the universe and nature will not be rushed. Everything has its own season. If we don't have something it is because we are not ready to have it. We don't know enough about what we want.

Modest forward progress has been constant and over the years the thing that has been most empowering in my life. The pattern seems to be take a risk, gain experience and then gain skill. When enough skill has been gained I have advanced. At this point my progress seems to be increasing at an exponential rate. The progress I have made toward personal goals in the past year alone is more than I have made in the ten previous years combined.

I've got to conclude that long term planning and working toward long term goals are two of the key ingredients for personal empowerment and goal achievement. This is especially effective when combined with the closure concept. It seems to be an unbeatable combination.

This balance is only possible by working through and with the conditions of my life as they currently are and not as I wish them to be. Break things down into small chunks that are easy to do and put closure on them. Slow and steady does win the race.


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Who knows why one person gives up and dies while another struggles on through overwhelming odds and comes out on top? We all want to survive. But are we willing to do what needs to be done?



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Sunday, February 04, 2007

 

Chapter 21 Romantic Love

Why do people fall in love? Why do people fall out of love? These are questions that have been asked for as long as people have fallen in love. We fall in love because there is a need for what our partner provides. Love is a symbiotic relationship that goes to our core.

There are marked differences between the sexes that need to be openly stated and discussed. Males and females each follow different paths of ego development. The book "Men are from Mars,Women are from Venus" touches upon these striking differences. We each create what the other craves and needs.

Most of us dream of a soulmate relationship with a partner ideally suited for us, someone that would complete us in all ways. Just about everyone would like that experience. To aspire to this type of romantic love relationship is one of the most selfish things possible. Such a relationship would contain only two people and leave out the rest of the world wouldn't it?

At least that is the fear of many people when they see two lovers caught up in each other. Friends, family and job often suffer and take a lower priority and importance than the romantic partner. The collective suffers. To become too involved in love threatens the social structure and the survival of the community. We don't have time any more for our friends.

Our society and culture actively encourage us to think of others, to think of national interests, our political party, favorite charity, job and community. Society and culture are constantly trying to find new ways to separate us from our romantic partner. It is not surprising so few romantic love relationships ever last. There are so many powerful forces in each of our lives working against it from the very start.

We are taught being selfish is wrong and this is the fundamental point we must come to terms with if we ever want romantic love and have it last. Being selfish and wanting love and a romantic partner is a good thing and not a bad thing. Society and community will benefit from romantic love relationships. Family is at least as important as the security of our nation.

Should we deny ourselves happiness in life and suffer for other people or should we live for our own happiness and share that happiness with those around us? To experience romantic love we live for our own happiness and follow a course of action that will find us an appropriate partner.

What is it that makes romantic love so special? Why do we feel alive and vibrant when we are with the person that we love? Why does that person make us feel complete?

It is this feeling of completeness that really defines romantic love. In this feeling of completeness we feel that we have a self. This feeling of completeness makes us feel like a person, like an individual. We feel complete and it feels good! We feel important and loved as much as we love. We also feel all we need is the love of our partner and that is the danger.

Most of us have experienced that intense emotional experience called "puppy love". This is a soul level experience and involves our capacity for love. In "puppy love" we have a giant crush on somebody and give all of ourself to this person gladly and willingly. We expect that same intensity of love in return and when it is not returned we are no longer as young and innocent as we were before.

From this point on we earn the love and respect of any potential romantic partner and it is not an easy road to follow. To find love we first find self esteem and learn to love our own self.

Love and respect exist on every level. We develop the capacity for self esteem and love with our entire being. The only way to do this is to find someone to interact with us and teach us. This means we can be attracted to someone spiritually,mentally,emotionally, sexually or physically. Each type of love relationship is valid and causes our souls to grow as we share with this other person.

Somehow we find a teacher for each type of energy, someone of the opposite sex that will teach us the mysteries of that energy, someone that will give us experience that we need. At the same time we are teaching them and giving them experiences they need to become complete. We use each other to become complete.

It is very rare that one person will be able to teach us and develop us in each of the energies. It is more probable that we fall in love at different times with different people and learn the lessons they each have to teach us. We in turn will be helping them to learn and develop in a mutual relationship of growth and development. These relationships end when our capacity for self esteem and love has been established and we are ready to move on to other areas. We have become complete in that area and don't need them anymore. This defines a co-dependent relationship fairly well.

When we fall in love with someone of the opposite sex the energy dynamics will help each partner develop an astral body and sense of self. It is this feeling of growth and completeness that makes love so exhilarating. When we are with this person we feel alive and vibrant.

There are many ways to fall in love with someone. The relationship may even be only a casual friendship or aquaintance, love at a distance. In each instance there is a mutual attraction of energy.
This all sounds so complex and impersonal that I would like to share my own story. I have experienced devastating "puppy love" in my youth and then later a broken marriage that taught me many karmic lessons about living with someone else.

Through the healing process I was attracted and fell in love with other women that were teachers and taught me different growth experiences and relationship skills. At the conclusion of each relationship we managed to part with as much love, respect and peace as possible. We simply grew away from each other and were healthy enough to let go when we needed to.

These some of these relationships would be considered platonic and non physical in nature. They involved minimal physical contact with each other but major contact with each other in dreams of great intensity. This dream contact always led to an alchemical marriage type of experience in which our astral bodies were bonded together at every level possible. Each relationship gave the impression of being a soulmate relationship but only on the level it existed on. When personal growth spilled over into other levels the relationship was terminated. We could not give each other what we needed for continued soul growth.



Each woman gave me experiences that I badly needed to learn. Because of these experiences I am more able to do my part in making a relationship work over long periods of time. My experiences were all positive and healing. It was these relationships that allowed me to find my current wife.

Because of these experiences I feel it is natural for different people to come into our lives at times and then leave when they are no longer needed. Such relationships encourage and develop our inner selves and bring needed communication and relationship experience. The important thing is to be able to let go when we must let go and be able to do so with as much love as possible.

Not one of my experiences in a relationship was repeated in another one. It was as if something was created within me and reached fulfilment. Each relationship involved new energies and new issues in my life. Each relationship was healthier because I was able to use my growing relationship skills to sustain it for as long as possible. Each relationship made new demands on me that increasingly involved effort on my part to make the relationship work. By now I have become convinced a lasting love relationship is one of the most difficult things possible but also one of the most rewarding.


Anarchist World Live Join the Revolution today! Online rss community of free men and free women. Let Freedom Ring!

Who knows why one person gives up and dies while another struggles on through overwhelming odds and comes out on top? We all want to survive. But are we willing to do what needs to be done?



Foundations Technorati Tags : survivalism, relationships, self, help, spirituality, occult, self, improvement, opinion, health, fitness, xtreme, sports

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