Modern Survivalism

The Will to live

There is an instinct or primal will to live deep within each one of us. It is the collective will of the human species to survive into the future, to grow and to expand. There is something within us that wants the human race to be alive billions of years into the future when our sun goes nova or dies out.

There is something within us that wants the human race to explore the stars, build cities beneath the oceans and on top of the highest mountains. This something wants us to go ever onward in the face of overwhelming opposition.

This is the force that we need to tap into when we wish to assert ourselves in life. We need to believe in both the human race and in ourselves and in our right to live the type of life we each desire.

Assertiveness is the taking back of personal power. We choose to create the type of world we want to live in and we believe in our ability to make a difference.


Manipulation traps are unfair ways we try to take advantage of personal relationships and force people into giving us what we desire. Understanding manipulation traps and how to avoid them is vital in reclaiming our personal power and being assertive.


"How can you treat me like that?"
"I've been waiting all week for you to call."
"It's your fault that I'm upset and can't get to sleep."

Making someone feel guilty is a common manipulation technique. It weakens and destroys a person's self-esteem. No matter how upset you are with someone or their behavior you don't need to make them feel guilt. There is no reason someone should make you feel guilty. Guilt destroys our sense of who we are.

Instead of making a person feel guilty focus on the behaviors instead.

"I don't like it when you treat me like that."
"I have been hoping to hear from you all week."
"Our argument got me upset and I can't sleep."

These responses communicate the same feelings or information without making the other person feel guilty. When a person feels guilty they feel attacked and hurt. They are also put on the defensive and may fight back in self-defense.


Yelling and intimidation to your face.

Unfortunately making a scene in public does work for many people. I've seen a Lt. Col. plead with an outraged Sgt. asking her to calm down and stop yelling. Being considerate and respectful is expected public behavior. People that yell and throw temper tantrums to get their own way are deliberately being rude and disrespectful to cause discomfort. It makes people back down simply because they are uncomfortable. This is unfair. You can not let someone get their way by intimidation. Once you give in they will constantly take advantage of you in the future.


You don't want to play bingo. Your spouse accuses you of never wanting to do what he or she wants to do.
You go play bingo. This is a variant of the guilt trip manipulation. Compromise is an important part of any relationship.

"If we go to bingo this week can we go bowling next week?"


If I do this for him, he'll have to do something for me.
"Here is a free sample; can I have a minute of your time?"

In my mind this is one of the worst manipulation traps. Someone does something for us that we are not asking for or perhaps even expecting and they demand some type of payment or response for what they have done.

"Well I do all the cooking and cleaning around here. The least you can do is take out the garbage."

The problem is that solutions are not negotiated. Everything is one way, the way the manipulator desires.
What is wrong with:
"I'm going to do the cooking. What are you going to do to help?"
"Can we take turns cooking and cleaning?"

Give the other person a chance to take part in the decision making process. Let their opinions count and their feelings be heard.


"If you do that I'll never talk to you again."
"If you are going to do that you might as well never come back."

These are obvious strong arm tactics to get what you want at any cost. You have raised the stakes so high that there is no negotiation or discussion at all. This is totally one way and grossly unfair. Such extremist behavior can not allow relationships to grow.


"You're the only one that can help me."
"How do you expect me to wash the dishes and still get my homework done?"

Pretending to be helpless when you are not is all too easy. At first people are willing to help but later this behavior builds deep resentments and may even cause people to avoid you. Learning to do things and becoming competent is one of the greatest joys in life even if it is hard at times.

"Will you show me how to do this?" is a lot better.


"That looks like you."
"You must be related." (The idea is that the teasing hits too close to home and is hurtful not playful.)


"Why did you stop at the bar last night?" (You already know the answer but just want to watch him or her
squirm and try to get out of it.)


"Are you still driving that old wreck?"
"Have you stopped beating your wife yet?"

This manipulation can be very frustrating because either way you answer the question puts you in a bad light. This is the kind of manipulation that makes people look like fools and no one likes that.


Solutions

Manipulation traps are not fair. There are healthy ways of getting your needs met within relationships. They are win-win solutions that allow personal growth and respect for each other at all times. Instead of needing to be in control ensure both of you have choices and that the choices are mutual. One person can not be making all of the choices in a healthy relationship.

All to often the helpless manipulation comes up. Teach each other how to cook a meal, clean the bathroom, start the lawn mower, check the oil. Allow each other to become successful in more areas and take joy in their successes.

Getting even is a form of revenge. It doesn't belong in relationships. Replace getting even with justice and fairness. When things are unfair talk about them and find solutions that work for both of you.


Repeat Technique
Ignore trap and repeat what you want in a calm voice until they give up.This may take 4 or 5 repetitions.
Don't get drawn into the trap. Stay focused and repeat the same words. They understand, you don't need to say it several ways.

I Statement
Without putting yourself down or apologizing state what it is that you want.
"I want to stay at my current job. I don't want to move closer to your parents."

Clouding
Respond calmly, acknowledge there may be some truth yet you still will continue to do what you believe is best. Don't apologize-continue to do what you want.
"I understand that I could find a better paying job. I like the one I have. Money is not everything that is important to me."

Negative Declarations
Ask questions about the problem until the complaints are exhausted. Admit a mistake or fault without apologizing for it.
"I said I would take out the garbage and I forgot. I will do it as soon as I am done with the paper. Is there anything else you are angry about?"

Compromise without loss of self-respect
Relationships are two way things. Both people have needs to be met and they are not always the same needs. It is important to finds ways to be supportive of each others needs and allow compromises when needed. At times it is important to give in as well. Which is more important that tie or the relationship?

Side tracking
Changing the subject to something more interesting. This is a lot easier to do than most people would think.
"Is that your dog?" or "I need to go to the bathroom." can derail most unpleasant discussions.

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Who knows why one person gives up and dies while another struggles on through overwhelming odds and comes out on top? We all want to survive. But are we willing to do what needs to be done?

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